What do you get when you mix a watering hole with good food? A gastro pub. What do you get when you mix a British style pub with below average food and racist Nigerian staff: Pat's Bar!!!
With the birth of Prince George, all eyes have been on everything British, so you can imagine my excitement when I found what was supposed to be a great pub offering 'authentic' British pub food right here in Lagos.
Ambiance: Styled like a true pub with an outrageous offering of alcohol, Pat's bar is cleverly divided into three sections. There is the bar which has at least three flat screens simultaneously showing rugby and football games. There's a mini lounge if you want to skip the stools and just relax while you watch a game. And finally you have the restaurant, if fine dining is your aim. The first impression is an overall laid back and fuss free tone.
The "RACIST"Staff': As a Nigerian living in Nigeria I don't expect to experience racism right here at home, but at Pat's bar the unthinkable happened, I did!! Not from the British and American expatriates, but from the Nigerian staff!! I didn't find it odd that my tasting buddy/photographer and I were the only Nigerians at the bar, but clearly the Nigerian waitresses did, and did not take kindly to this.
After waiting a good ten minutes before calling the attention of a waitress who seemed more interested in dancing around the expats, she grudgingly threw the menu at us. Strike 1.
While deciding what to order, the waitresses would walk past and throw daggers at us, in a very "why is Rosa Parks and her homie sitting in front of the bus" manner. Strike 2.
We were ready to order and we call our dear waitress who clutches her tummy with one hand and signals with the other for us to shut it and rushes into the kitchen. She disappears for the rest of the day. Strike 3.
By now I'm livid and ready to play the whole angry lawyer card, but my tasting buddy calms me down.
Strike 4 one of the waitresses clearly mistakes us for someone else and barks at the top of her voice
'Dey no wan chop, dey just wan look, na so dem dey do' WT!!!? (Translation: they have no intention of eating, they just want to hang around)
By now I was shaking with anger, now I knew how Oprah felt when the Swiss store lady wouldn't let her look at the crocodile skin hand bag. But in this case, I was being discriminated by Nigerians, who believe it or not, thought that as a young Nigerian,I could not afford the 'luxury' enjoyed by the foreigners who were coincidentally white. This was a very Django experience for me; I remembered Samuel Jackson in the movie who forgot that he was also a slave, and treated the other slaves like he was a white man (not that I'm referring to the Nigerians as slaves)
The waitresses were more interested in serving the white male patrons and kissing them on the lips (and being lightly groped)as they ended their shifts. Prostitutes moonlighting as waitresses ?you be the judge of that.
My excitement at finding this place had taken an epic nose dive, and at this point I tried to calm down and enjoy the meal.
Menu: A reasonably affordable menu with an offering of cliched pub food; fish and chips, BLT Sandwiches and a full English breakfast. In addition, there's a mini Nigerian menu (just light food though), with the usual culprits of salads, sea food, poultry, steaks and even pizza crammed into the wooden covered 8 paged menu.
The Food!!
The Entree:
Prawns in Chilli sauce: After waiting an outstanding thirty minutes for the entree to arrive, the waitress finally presented the prawns. They were a decent attempt to wash away the taste of racism. The menu said 6 prawns, I counted 5!! The chili sauce was more like peppered stew. It was very reminiscent of my mum's stew, so unless she's been making chili sauce, I'll call their attempt at chilli sauce a colossal failure. (Tasty, but NOT chilli sauce)
The Cottage Pie: Cottage pie, a supposedly divine combination of minced meat, mashed potatoes and cheese baked into a pie. Another 30 minutes and another meal is thrown my way. When it comes to food, presentation is everything, so to see my pie in a tin take away pack was a bit alarming. The lady who sells bean cakes on the street deploys this same packaging. Excuse my french but this was absolutely shitty presentation. The way it was baked carelessly and oozing off the sides of the tin was not attractive but I still decided to dig in.
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| even my dogs enjoy better presentation!! |
The first bite and immediately I remembered a song from the movie,Sweeney Todd-the demon barber of Fleet Street, 'Worst Pies in London!!' This was the worst pie in Lagos!! The minced meat was wayyy too salty, and I soon discovered why. The meat was poisoned with salt to disguise the 'off' taste. Yes, the meat was clearly past its due date. God knows at this stage, I was scared to eat the next meal. This meal was a struggle, and I NEVER struggle to finish food.
As if to compensate for the crappy pie, there was a generous serving of chips on the side. This helped to free my mouth from the awful pie. If death had a taste, that pie would be it.
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| Death on a fork!! |
Chicken Cordon Bleu: This is chicken breast stuffed with ham, mushroom and cheese served with chips and vegetables. I asked what sort of vegetables, and my dear waitress informed me that despite the description given in the menu, the vegetables were not guaranteed. Hysterical laughter then tears follow. I'm at my wits end...I just want to get this meal in a take away pack and go to my father's house, but the fear of the waitresses spitting into my doggy bag keep me seated.
The meal finally arrives, the vegetables were a no show BUT the presentation is perfection. This might actually be the fist meal I enjoy!! Guess again!!
The chicken had been baked in bread crumbs...baked a little too long. My chicken cordon bleu was like eating burnt toast and chicken. There was a concotion sauce at the side. I just had to ask what this was. The response?
'Ehn, it's the chef, it's a sauce, it is ingredients.' For all I know I was dunking this chicken in the chef's sweat mixed with mayo and ketchup.
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| over baked chicken and erm chef's sauce |
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| o the saving grace of chips!! |
Delivery time: One entree plus two main meals = 2 hours. Arghhhh, Ridiculous!! The waitresses will proudly tell you they have no idea when the food will be ready. So I would suggest you swallow a massive chill pill if you intend on dining here.
Portion Control: The food is honestly very very generous in size, enough to feed a hungry party of two, but the chances of actually finishing the food are slim because of how bleh it is.
Affordability: Pat's bar is refreshingly cheap, the most expensive thing on the menu is about 4,500 naira. A three course meal will cost you a pretty decent 6,000 naira.
Pat's bar was definitely an experience, would I go back? Hmmmm....maybe not, but by all means for a taste of homegrown Naija to Naija racism and almost semi-decent food .The exciting thing about Pat's Bar; the staff have got a delightful mix of Yoruba/Calabar Brit and Yankee accents, amusing when they are not being rude to you.
My rating for Pat's Bar!!! For the racism, crap service and questionably spoiled ingredients, Pat's bar gets a singular * one star rating!! That is a new record!!
Pat's Bar is located at No. 292c, Ajose Adeogun, Victoria-Island Lagos.
